Cheaters, Schemers and Teabaggers Oh My!

If you haven't already read it, you can read my preface for this post here.

Okay, here we go! Halo 3 was the game on last night's WCG Ultimate Gamer. This was an episode I was really looking forward to and you could tell that they took so much more time working on this episode. The Real Life Challenge was more involved, the graphics they used for teams and scoring were much more in line with the game itself and the episode had an overall polish that hasn't been seen in previous episodes.

So the gamers are taken to another abandoned warehouse where Karen from The Office pulls a "Max Headroom" to announce Halo 3 as the game of the week. You could practically see the guys peeing themselves in excitement and they were split into two teams. And lookie here, the "random team generator" once again put all the girls together. How does this happen every time randomly??? Amy, Ciji, Chelsea and Mark on one team and Dante, Rob, Swoozie and Jamal on the other.

The boys of course think they have this challenge in the bag and are promptly beaten senseless by the girls (and Mark). My favorite part of the challenge was Rob's confession of essentially running and gunning or as I like to call it, "The ICandee Method". So the girls win and it's hair braiding, pillow fights and practice kissing all around (because that's what girls do, right Jamal?)

Meanwhile, back at the Loft...

Mark, who has a girlfriend, goes into the bathroom with Ciji. What happens next is God only knows what but Ciji says that Mark kissed her. It's now all awkward between them...moving on...

During the commercial break we were treated to another episode of "Sock Puppet Theater", this time is was Jamal and Dante making out. Their puppets were priceless and their make out session hilarious. I think they should add arts and crafts time to every reality show from now on, those puppets are awesome...

Now back from the break, Ciji almost cries over the whole toilet kiss but holds it back making this the first episode ever with NO CRYING! Woo hoo! Way to go guys! I'm so proud...*sniff*...oh great, now I'm the one crying! Mark never mentioned a thing about the kiss leading me to believe that it either A. didn't happen or more believably B. he's not into kissing and telling (which while admirable doesn't change the fact you kissed someone other than your girlfriend and you're on TV genius!) and was trying the "If I say nothing, no one will hear about it" technique.

Later Jimmy Fallon comes over to have them randomly pick new teams again and I swear, I watched them randomly pick teams and all the girls still ended up on the same team again! Randomly! Seriously, how does that happen!?!?!

But here's the kicker: instead of Mark being surrounded by lovely ladies it was Dante's turn and as soon as he realized what team he was on you could see his face make an "oh sh*t" expression. Priceless... Then Chelsea makes some comment about never playing Halo before...uh, what? You're on a show to pick an Ultimate Gamer and you've never played Halo? Even I've played Halo! This show is starting to make less and less sense to me...

My favorite "Dante-ism" of the episode: after getting on his new team he said the following, "a little bit of doubt has drizzled on my dreams to be the ultimate gamer". Awesome.

So now we're to the Isolation Challenge which was a 4 vs 4 Team Slayer match on the sweetest setup I've seen in a long time. Trash talking abounded and other than Chelsea telling them to suck her whatchimacallit, I love me some good trash talking. Please note I said "good" trash talking...

Ciji decides to take matters into her own controller and purposely throws the match in order to get Dante into last place. More on this in a minute. Her nefarious plan works and Dante ends in last place with Mark being first. Dante asks Mark to put him up against Ciji and so Mark puts Dante up against Jamal in some sort of "tough game love" attempt to stop the bickering madness.

Jimmy Fallon informs them that man does not live by playing Halo alone so he has them each pick one person to go into the Elimination Challenge with them to help them out. Jamal picks Rob and Dante picks Mark. Doubts start to circulate as to whether or not Rob will throw the match to eliminate Jamal as Rob has gotten close to Dante. I never thought for a moment that Rob would actually throw it, he's got his own reputation to maintain and what's the point of helping someone stay that will eventually be your opponent anyway? If the point of the show is to be the best, you don't become the best by throwing games. You play as hard as you can and hope the other guy loses. Period.

Long story short (too late), Dante loses and Jamal was a complete ass during the match. I would love to see him play without Rob covering his backside. Now don't get me wrong, Dante was admittedly somewhat of a douche. I still want to cut that Peter Petrelli emo hair out of his face but look at the previous rankings. The guy has some gaming skills and I, for one, am sad to see him go. He may have still been in the bottom regardless of what Ciji did but I'm sorry he didn't get a chance to find out.

Which brings me to my disappointment mentioned earlier in my Preface post. I remember being a kid and the worst thing my mom could ever say to me was "shame on you". It always made me feel...well, ashamed. So without further ado, please join me in welcoming...

"ICandee's Ultimate Gamer Hall of Shame Shame I Know Your Name"

Shame on Jamal for saying this at the Real Life Challenge: "Girls will have issues, normally girls don't get along together when they're trying to work together". (Said right before his team had their asshats handed to them by the girls, more specifically Amy who won the whole challenge for her team.) Ironically, Jamal says afterward that if they had had Amy on their team instead of Dante, they would have won. Oh brother...

Shame on Mark for kissing Ciji. He seems like a nice enough guy but regardless of the "closeness of the situation" or whatever the excuse, there is no excuse for kissing someone while with someone else. No excuse. I hope his girlfriend kicked him but good.

Shame on Dante for clamming up during the Elimination Challenge once Jamal was ahead. Mark seemed like he was trying to bring him back in the game but Dante looked like he had already checked out.

Shame on Ciji for throwing the Isolation Challenge. Let those that suck go home by natural selection not by design. And not because you don't like them. And the next time some guy comes on to you and you know he already has a girlfriend, promptly punch him in the throat.

And although I adore some good trash talk as much as the next gamer...

The Ultimate Gamer King Douche of the Week Shame gets poured on Jamal for not only acting like a complete ass during the Elimination Challenge but especially for reverting to a 12 year old mouth breathing knuckle dragger and tea bagging Dante during the challenge. Unbelievable and ridiculously uncalled for, especially since Rob made the kill. Dante may be whiny but at least he went out with class.

I really hope the rest of the season isn't as disappointing as this episode was for me. Forget Top 4, here's who I think (and hope) will be in the Top 3: Rob, Amy and Swoozie. Unless of course Amy makes out with Rob then Swoozie, in a jealous rage, refuses to roll the Katamari so Amy is in last place.

Oh wait, they're playing NBA next week right? *sigh* I know gamers that swear by sports games but I have to admit that I think they are B-O-R-I-N-G. Maybe they'll play beer pong for the Real Life Challenge and the winner will get trained by Madden frat boys. Hopefully Jamal (and Mark) will keep it in his pants next week.

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Whew! What bitterness seeps from my gamer soul today, eh? Thanks to all who reads my weekly entry and don't mind my stupid opinions for jerks. Remember, sticks and stones may break my bones but words will hurt forever! Wait...what?