Cannibals and Sock Puppets

Let me start by saying that for those cast members that have been kind enough to contact me and continue to read my lil ole blog, thank you! I appreciate your feedback and applaud your good humor.

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It was a predictable week on WCG Ultimate Gamer and although the Producers are making a valiant effort to create suspense and facilitate surprise, they really really really suck at it.

So Jamal comes back to the loft and decides to immediately "call a meeting" to tell everyone what a meany-bo-beany Dante is and how he's trying to make alliances. There's intrigue! *gasp* Suspense! *bigger gasp* Tattle Telling! *GASP* So it's the world against Dante with the exception of Robert and Swoozie and let me say this right now, out of all of the gamers (from what I've seen so far) the only two in the house I would care about having on my side is Swoozie and Robert so way to go Dante! And although I was disappointed to see that there was no creative name calling on Dante's part this week, he did speculate that by the end of the week Jamal would "eat someone" so I'm satisfied. Now, on to the Real Life Challenge...

Hint to future cast members of any reality show: whenever they tell you to get ready for a night on the town, always be ready for a challenge. You are never there just to have fun. And so it was when the gamers were taken to a club and instead of drinking themselves stupid or, as Jamal would have it, getting some from the myriad group of nameless female place fillers hanging around, they were put right into their Real Life Challenge by having to dance in front of the crowd while being judged by some schlubs from "So You Think You Can Dance".

The top three dancing gamers had to compete in a...wait for it...DANCE OFF! Oh yeah! So we got the joy of seeing Robert, Swoozie and Jamal dance dance the night away. Swoozie did a little Michael Jackson break dancing, Robert did Ravers around the world proud and Jamal busted his butt trying to do some sort of contortion to impress the judges. So it's Swoozie (Mr. Jackson if you're nasty) in first place, whose prize is a call home.

Hey, remember last week when Dante placed high in the Real Life challenge even though he almost killed innocent people with his car? Well, apparently busting your butt is better than staying on your feet because Jamal placed second over Robert. So by the judges standards:

killing people>killing barrels
busting butt>staying upright

Anyway, no sense crying over spilled Jamal. Quote of the challenge definitely goes to Dante for this little gem, "Asian people can breakdance". Wha?? I know there's a lot of things that Asian people are stereotypically known for, but breakdancing is a new one to me. I'm assuming that Dante is not really Asian then because what he did on stage was not breakdancing. (However, it was broken so maybe that's what he meant)

By this point, Karen from The Office tells our gaming Barishnikovs that this week's game is Dance Dance Revolution Universe 3. *cue Geoff peeing himself* Now around this time, one of SciFi's tickers comes up on screen and it says, "Who will be the top two gamers up for elimination? The answer will shock you. Stay tuned!" WTF? Hey SciFi, you realize I am watching the show right? I promise I'm not going anywhere! What a codependent network this is turning out to be, sheesh. But since you brought it up, I better be dazzled do you hear? DAZZLED!

I have to take a break here and say that so far I'm 20 minutes into this episode and there have been no tears! *commence turning cartwheels* I'm so proud! Finally, no crying in the...What's that? *whispering* Well, son of a...SWOOZIE! Not you too! *sigh* and they were so close...

So now we get to the dirt: Mark, Ciji and Geoff (and later Jamal) discuss Ciji purposely throwing the Isolation Challenge in order to be the one to defeat Geoff since at this point they all know he is going to be in last place. (Except Amy for some reason, who is the only one in the house that thinks she'll be last. And all of my efforts of screaming at the TV "Amy, you're not going home! SciFi keeps showing you playing paintball even though in the opening they try to make us think it's Alyson! You're safe this week and we have lost all suspense thanks to SciFi horrific spoiler filled promos!" did nothing to assuage her fears.)

Now for a break to discuss the quirky...Just where did these people get the materials to make sock puppets?!?! I'm not complaining because I'm all for supporting the arts but they were given new socks, glue and yarn for pete's sake! Geoff seemed displeased with their reindeer games as his puppet was, "nine times larger than everyone else". He then proceeded to turn green and smash the puppets to bits.

This week's Best Quote In The Loft award goes to Jamal who said, "I don't want to be in an elimination challenge again so I'm going to try and win every game". Uh...duh? You do know that that's why you're on the show, right? To win games and be the "Ultimate Gamer"? Let's see, how can I explain this. ... Okay, when two people really love each other...oh forget it! And quick side note, they put Robert on the screen who didn't have his day-glo contacts in and it literally made me jump.

So here we are at the Isolation Challenge and let me spare you the details: Ciji decides not to throw the challenge, Amy sucked and lives to cry about it and Swoozie gets first place so it's up to him who will decide who will send Geoff (big surprise, he's in last) home this week. Now it's interesting to note that while they're waiting on Jimmy Fallon to come in and announce the winners, some sort of finger pointing, "I'm rubber, you're glue" conversation occurs which ends in Amy leaving the room and Mark screaming for Jimmy Fallon to stop the madness.

Meanwhile, back at the loft, Ciji tries to convince Swoozie to put her up against Geoff, presumably because she wants to make up for not throwing the challenge by putting Geoff out of his misery gently. What she didn't realize was that Dante is the one that likes Elimination advice from the ladies, not Swoozie. So just who does Swoozie pick to go up against Geoff?

Why Swoozie himself! Karen from The Office looks shocked at this decision and proclaims that Swoozie is taking a big risk. Yeah right! Let's face it, with the exception of the Kelly vs. Amy Street Fighter round, none of these Elimination Challenges have been suspenseful or a surprise. SciFi, again valiantly, tries to create a "OMG, who will win" moment with their old stand by: making it look like the underdog has improved so much overnight by practicing that they actually have a chance to leave the stadium victorious. Again I say, nice try Lao Che! And what's up with Karen from The Office not owning a pair of pants? I would love to see what is surely the "Library of Mini Dresses" at her house.

Geoff does his best but in the end it's no surprise that Swoozie is on his way back to the loft. In some ways, it's not bothering me that the elimination challenges are ending up this way. The title of the show is, "Ultimate Gamer" not "Good At One Type Of Game Gamer".

Here are my predictions:

My current picks for Final Four: Swoozie, Robert, Dante or Jamal and Amy (this is assuming Amy gets her groove back next week and Dante isn't killed in his sleep).

Chelsea is running under my radar, I still have no idea what to think of Mark, Jamal probably poked bee hives with sticks when he was a kid and I'm hoping to see some blood thirst from Ciji. I'm with Swoozie: it's time to think of this as a competition, not time to braid each others hair and swear eternal friendship...

GAME OVER!